Every year, around this time, I get what I call the “holiday blues”. I’m not sure what triggers it, but I can count on it like clockwork. I get depressed and weepy, and really just want to lock myself in the bedroom and stay under the covers. Every year I tell myself, I’m going to beat the blues this time. I decorate, bake, put on the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, play Christmas music, make Zoë do some crazy crafts, mail Christmas cards, you name it. I’ve done it all. I do a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child, support the Angel Tree, try to visit and help people. None of this really helps. At the end of the day, I’m still depressed. Usually, the only thing that can break through is watching Zoë enjoy the magic and spirit of Christmas. I can always count on that! (I hope that Zoë never feels blue around the holidays!)
I think it stems from awful holidays past. My body is conditioned to prepare itself for disappointment. I’m sure this year will be no different, probably worse, since I can’t seem to get myself organized and ready. I feel like I’ve done nothing. Usually, by now, I’ve at least gotten a little Christmas shopping done and taken advantage of early deals. Nothing. I didn’t even put up my Thanksgiving decorations! I usually go all out. I still have Halloween stuff that hasn’t been put away. Add to that, Dan is still looking for work and money is quickly dwindling.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. I really love my in-laws, so I know dinner will be fine. But, something will happen, it always does. They sometimes forget to include me on email messages and rely on Dan to tell me. Now that they have moved their conversations to Facebook, I never know what is going on. I’m still not completely sure what’s supposed to happen tomorrow. I think I’m supposed to bring sweet potato casserole. I’m taking bets on getting there and finding out I was supposed to bring something else. I don’t even know what time we are supposed to be there!
This year we will also be traveling to Richmond to see my family. That’s just a hot bed of potential drama. I am looking forward to seeing my family and staying with my cousins. I really want Zoë to be connected and involved with them, especially since I never was in the past. There is a huge divide between my immediate family and my extended family. Makes visiting a little stressful.
So, here’s to once again trying to kick the holiday blues. Wonder if I can just up the meds?