They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I really hope this is true. I’m at the breaking point and I’m not sure just how much more I can hold on my shoulders before completely falling apart. I’m doing my best to hold it together for Zoë, but even she is starting to ask why I’m crying sometimes. I try to hide that from her as much as I can. It’s not fair to her. I know what it’s like to see your mom cry. I’ve been there, it’s very unsettling to a child. I was that child.
I’m trying to stay strong for my family. I try to tell myself that things will work out in the end, things will be OK. I think I’ve gotten past one hurdle, only to find another one. I’ve been keeping most of this to myself, because I don’t want to be that friend. You know the one I mean. That friend that always has some sort of problem or issue going on in life and that’s all they talk about. I don’t want to be that person. So, I just try to keep it to myself.
Currently, it doesn’t even feel like I have a “safe” place. A place where I can go that’s not falling apart at the seams. Not at home or at work. I don’t even want to be friends with myself right now. I’m getting on my own nerves.
My husband has been unemployed for 7 months. Along the way, he has become very depressed. We have, somehow, made it this far. I carry the benefits and work as hard as I can. I take care of the house, plan the meals, do most of the cooking and cleaning, take care of the budget, pay the bills, etc. I also try to be active at Zoë’s school and attend Church. Dan’s depression has lead to some bad behaviors and choices. But, I continue to do my best. I’ve been here through the ups and downs, the fights, the trust issues, etc. We have our first couples counseling session tomorrow. I’m leaving a ton of stuff out. I probably need to start going back to counseling myself.
Work used to be a place where I felt appreciated and happy. Before my company merged, I was working a schedule that allowed me to work some from home, so I could participate in Zoë’s school activities, have more family time, etc. It was a great schedule, very flexible. They were a family oriented company. Now, I work 35 hours a week, am still considered salary, and still put in as much time as my counterparts at 40 hours. I get paid less. I had a very disturbing work phone call today. It seems the new company (mind you it’s been almost a year) does not like my current schedule. In fact, they really don’t like the “work at home” portion. They say because I’m salaried, no matter if it’s at 35 hours or 40 hours, I have to work as many hours as necessary. I can’t just stop my week at 35 hours, like my original agreement. I really wish someone had come to me about this during the whole merger, but that’s neither here nor there. It looks like my current work schedule is no longer an option and my suggestions were also unacceptable. So, I’ve been told that they will get back to me with schedule requirements. The entire conversation left me with a bad feeling in my gut.
So, I feel unappreciated at home and at work. Bills keep coming, things keep breaking. Mostly, I’m just exhausted. I’m tired. If I lose my job right now, we are royally screwed. And you know what? No one really cares. Makes me wonder why I care so much.